I Deserve Better

I spent the last 7 months in a relationship that I thought was THE ONE. I thought he taught me to love again after the abuse. I thought this man would never hurt me.

I thought wrong. I'm the type of person that gives 100% to everything and usually receives nothing back. I was fooled to believe he was treating me the way I deserve. The entire time he was texting and snapchatting his exes, completely omitting my existence.

My soul was crushed. I had finally felt love again and i was devastated again. He says he loves me and wants to start over and actually treat me the way he should have been the entire time. But do I trust that? His honesty record isn't looking good. Im conflicted. My brain says RUN. My heart says let him try.

I either feel everything or im numb to all emotions. And after being hurt like this, im becoming numb. It's part of how i processed the abuse. And im doing it again. Im afraid if he means it, i will already be done.

Pray for my understanding! Thy will be done!

Im Only Human

I have so much to say. But i can't say it better than "Human" by Christina Perri

Not Again

My abuser contacted me twice in the last few weeks. Once pretending to be someone else and ultimately asking for me back. And once claiming he was living the Christian, sober life and needed my help. I basically told him I am in a happy relationship and not interested in rekindling anything with him.

Typically, i would block the account he is using and never respond. This time I sat with my new guy and he gave me strength. The plan was to turn him down and if he didnt stop, block him.

Fortunately, I haven't heard back from him. But I know it'll never stop. He will never leave me alone. I just have to stay strong and continue to not allow him in. It's not without anxiety and nightmares every time i hear from him but it is much easier now that I know I'm worth more than that and I deserve better! I hope that every woman can feel this type of strength and worth!

Dating Again

I am stepping out of my box and dating. I really thought I was broken for so long because I just didn't feel anything for anyone since my abusive ex. I literally was numb to all emotion and developed a very "I could care less" attitude toward dating. But recently I met someone I really really like. Even if it doesn't work out, I'm relieved to know I can actually feel! I think this is progress with my PTSD for sure! And I haven't had nightmares in weeks!

I'm Trying To Be Better

I try each day to better. To have less anxiety. To step out of my box. And let me tell you, it isn't easy.

I have been going to more church meetings to be more involved around others.  I am going to a gym where i try exercise without feeling like im being judged. I am really trying. And for that, i am proud of myself. Because sometimes trying is all we can do, we just have to do it.

RIP

Last week my father passed away. He had been sick for years but we weren't expecting this turn for the worst. One day they said he'd likely recover. The next day they moved him to comfort care. I spent as much time with him as i could on his last days. I was with him when he drew his last breath and checked his pulse and felt his heart beat one last time.

When i was born, God already had my dad picked out for me. I met him 2 years later. He adopted me soon after.  I miss him terribly and am trying to grieve in a healthy way. With my depression and self harming history, it makes it difficult to stay healthy and not become obsessive. I'm just hoping im not shutting off my emotions too much...