I AM ENOUGH

Just because I'm a victim of abuse doesn't mean I'm willing to deal with anything. 

So I'm at a local bar with some girls i know. One of them wants me to go to a guy's apartment nearby and I go because there's a guy I'm interested in.

We are sitting there, vibing. But you say something and he says "Just sit there and be pretty." I don't know why but this set me the ef off. Like excuse me?? I'm more than a pretty face. I have a fucking master's degree! I have a major problem with a man thinking it is ok to speak to a woman like that. I have a problem with a man thinking a woman should be "just a pretty face".

Maybe my experience has made me realize a real man should appreciate a woman, should embrace all a woman has to offer, and should never, i repeat, NEVER, tell a woman she should be less than what she is or think he has the right to "hush" her. I was treated like this behavior was ok and that i was the one overreacting  but I refuse to believe that. If a man cannot completely respect me, then he isn't the one for me. If this attitude results in me being single, then I'm ok with that. I WILL NOT let another human being make me feel inferior!

There's a good chance I overreacted but there is principle behind this! When the hell did it become okay to speak to a woman like that? Why is it that we are expected to excuse his behavior and words and act like we are at fault for standing up for ourselves?? Why was I to blame for my reaction but he was just "joking" with his behavior? Why is that ok??? I just cannot understand why we tell each other, as women, that it's ok to for a man to speak to a woman that way. I don't understand why I was basically told to stop and get over it and yet he was allowed to say whatever. Why is this standard??

Again, maybe it's the feminist in me speaking but I am just NOT ok with it. And I don't think anyone can make me think "maybe this is the guy for me". I don't care if it helps you get your guy, I don't ever want to be spoken to that way. If I wasn't in on the joke, IT'S NOT FUNNY!!

I don't know if anyone will read this, but if you do, please, please. PLEASE know YOU ARE ENOUGH all on your own!

POEM OF ABUSE

8 years have come to pass
Still I feel the glass
Slamming my head with danger
Into the table with anger
Shattered in my hair
Wondering how we got there

8 years have gone by
Since that horrifying night
The blood and the bruise
Screaming to let me loose
Seeing black, broken bones
I can't get out alone

8 years, one after another
The names that I can't utter
Stick inside my brain
I'll never be me again
The lies and the games
I'll never be the same

8 years later and I'm free
But a prisoner my mind will be
Each day I'll grow strong
Though the process may be long
The worst is passed and gone
The best has yet to come

I Deserve Better

I spent the last 7 months in a relationship that I thought was THE ONE. I thought he taught me to love again after the abuse. I thought this man would never hurt me.

I thought wrong. I'm the type of person that gives 100% to everything and usually receives nothing back. I was fooled to believe he was treating me the way I deserve. The entire time he was texting and snapchatting his exes, completely omitting my existence.

My soul was crushed. I had finally felt love again and i was devastated again. He says he loves me and wants to start over and actually treat me the way he should have been the entire time. But do I trust that? His honesty record isn't looking good. Im conflicted. My brain says RUN. My heart says let him try.

I either feel everything or im numb to all emotions. And after being hurt like this, im becoming numb. It's part of how i processed the abuse. And im doing it again. Im afraid if he means it, i will already be done.

Pray for my understanding! Thy will be done!

Im Only Human

I have so much to say. But i can't say it better than "Human" by Christina Perri

Not Again

My abuser contacted me twice in the last few weeks. Once pretending to be someone else and ultimately asking for me back. And once claiming he was living the Christian, sober life and needed my help. I basically told him I am in a happy relationship and not interested in rekindling anything with him.

Typically, i would block the account he is using and never respond. This time I sat with my new guy and he gave me strength. The plan was to turn him down and if he didnt stop, block him.

Fortunately, I haven't heard back from him. But I know it'll never stop. He will never leave me alone. I just have to stay strong and continue to not allow him in. It's not without anxiety and nightmares every time i hear from him but it is much easier now that I know I'm worth more than that and I deserve better! I hope that every woman can feel this type of strength and worth!

Dating Again

I am stepping out of my box and dating. I really thought I was broken for so long because I just didn't feel anything for anyone since my abusive ex. I literally was numb to all emotion and developed a very "I could care less" attitude toward dating. But recently I met someone I really really like. Even if it doesn't work out, I'm relieved to know I can actually feel! I think this is progress with my PTSD for sure! And I haven't had nightmares in weeks!

I'm Trying To Be Better

I try each day to better. To have less anxiety. To step out of my box. And let me tell you, it isn't easy.

I have been going to more church meetings to be more involved around others.  I am going to a gym where i try exercise without feeling like im being judged. I am really trying. And for that, i am proud of myself. Because sometimes trying is all we can do, we just have to do it.